3/5
2010
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The feelings can’t kill you.
Today, I gave myself permission to fail. Don’t get me wrong, I have failed at plenty of things in my life, but I carry those experiences around with me like a scarlet letter. I have so much shame about so many things that I feel absolutely crippled by it and completely incapable of imagining a future where I wouldn’t be judged by my past mistakes. There is no statute of limitations in my mind. My enormous catalog of regrets is what makes me stuff food in my face. As long as I am chewing or hypnotized by the TV or computer, I’m not replaying everything I have ever done wrong. Because that is what my brain does. Its main function is to produce shame. I sit quietly for one minute and memories of my past mistakes start rolling in a constant, nagging loop. It’s absolutely exhausting and I don’t think anyone deserves to feel tortured like I have.
I’m not proud that I failed, but I’m proud that I am allowing myself to see the big picture. College is not for me. Not right now. In a perfect world, I would have stayed at Wooster, completed my I.S. and I would have a tootsie roll and a button to remind myself of all of my hard work and dedication. But I didn’t and I don’t.
I’m not the first person to fail a class and it’s not something that will determine the rest of my life. I might have let it kill me before, but it’s not worth it today. I started this whole 12/21 project to remind myself to do things that are important to me, and educate myself in that way. I can’t live my life for anyone but me.
Change is slow. But it’s something to be proud of.
