9/21
2011
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Nowhere Near the End
Today’s the day. September 21, 2011. On my 24th birthday, 12/21/09, I resolved to evolve. Prompted by my miserable third attempt at college, I decided that I was wasting time and money in school while I was self-destructive and -sabotaging. I wanted to change my life, expand my mind, release myself from years of shame that held me captive and invite more people into my world. I had a list of things I wanted to achieve, creating a purpose and structure for the next year and a half of my life. I’m not sure that I actually believed I would complete all of these tasks (I didn’t) but I thought, by the end, I would be proud of myself for wanting a better life and taking strides to realize my potential as a person (I am).
Throughout the whole process, OCD, self-doubt, and isolation strangled my voice. All I wanted to do was write, but when fingers met keyboard or my pen was hovering over paper, I didn’t trust that anyone wanted to hear what I had to say or I was paranoid that I would monumentally regret putting something out into the world that I could never take back. I couldn’t post a spontaneous status update, e-mails warranted hours of editing and compulsive checking after sending, and very often, text messages had to be drafted in Word before I typed them on my phone. In general, it was very hard to be visible.
It’s getting better.
I would like to write more about this whole process, but for now I would just like to put these paragraphs out into the ether before I decide to delete this whole thing.
September 22nd isn’t the day I abandon this project. It’s just another opportunity to be seen and heard, try new things, take risks, and make more connections with myself and people I care about.
So much more to come!
