resolve to evolve

12 resolutions / 21 months

11/21
2011

  • Excuse the following capitalization, but I really CANNOT BELIEVE I HAVEN’T BEEN SPELLING MY CAT’S NAME SURELY. How can I be a lifelong Arrested Development fan, once refer to Surely Funke in an internet username, have a cat and name her Shirley and not spell it Surely?? I’m a bit baffled by that oversight. 

    From this day forth, she shall be known as Surely Monkey Martin. 

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11/4
2011

  • I jotted down this quote recognizing the wisdom of the sentiment, but I could only hope one day I would know it to be true. What little identity I had seemed predicated on my desire to be invisible. I was far from fulfilling any purpose.   Things have changed. I can actually feel my identity developing inside of me, being accepted by my heart, appreciated by my brain and expressed by my actions. And it has truly started to sow the first seeds of purpose and hope and happiness that I’ve felt in a long time. Of course, I’ve been happy plenty of times before, but it’s the first time in my life that it’s a constant, deep and true love for myself that has never been there. It’s not so much a tape running over in my head, LOVE LOVE LOVE, like some of my more negative, obsessive thoughts. It’s more subtle and transformative, like a beautiful smell that is always lingering around me. Everything is better with that perfume in my nose. It focuses me and reminds me that underneath it all, at the end of the day, I am good enough to do anything I want. And sometimes I might be much better than I think.

  • I jotted down this quote recognizing the wisdom of the sentiment, but I could only hope one day I would know it to be true. What little identity I had seemed predicated on my desire to be invisible. I was far from fulfilling any purpose.  

    Things have changed. I can actually feel my identity developing inside of me, being accepted by my heart, appreciated by my brain and expressed by my actions. And it has truly started to sow the first seeds of purpose and hope and happiness that I’ve felt in a long time. Of course, I’ve been happy plenty of times before, but it’s the first time in my life that it’s a constant, deep and true love for myself that has never been there. It’s not so much a tape running over in my head, LOVE LOVE LOVE, like some of my more negative, obsessive thoughts. It’s more subtle and transformative, like a beautiful smell that is always lingering around me. Everything is better with that perfume in my nose. It focuses me and reminds me that underneath it all, at the end of the day, I am good enough to do anything I want. And sometimes I might be much better than I think.

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9/28
2011

  • One fun thing about my neighborhood is the frequency of fireworks happening a few blocks away. This neighbor kid, trying to take advantage of his unfettered view from the moderately safe roof access outside of his window, asked his dad if he could climb up the ladder and sit out on the roof. Dad said no, so he asked Mom and she said yes. Because that’s an awesome idea. Dad was not happy and demanded he come back inside. I was bummed for this kid. It really picked up after he was banished from the festivities. Could have been a cool experience for him and an epic photo opportunity for me. Not that I’m in the habit of taking pictures of neighborhood children— I just couldn’t resist.

  • One fun thing about my neighborhood is the frequency of fireworks happening a few blocks away. This neighbor kid, trying to take advantage of his unfettered view from the moderately safe roof access outside of his window, asked his dad if he could climb up the ladder and sit out on the roof. Dad said no, so he asked Mom and she said yes. Because that’s an awesome idea. Dad was not happy and demanded he come back inside. I was bummed for this kid. It really picked up after he was banished from the festivities. Could have been a cool experience for him and an epic photo opportunity for me. Not that I’m in the habit of taking pictures of neighborhood children— I just couldn’t resist.

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    • [Flash 9 is required to listen to audio.]

    • One song always makes me compelled to say something like, “This is the song my soul would sing if my soul sang.” It matches me and serves well as a mantra to encourage the resolve. From beginning to end. It speaks to me.

      Am I laying it on thick?

      {Present/Infant, Ani DiFranco}

    • Has been played 0 times.
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9/21
2011

  • Nowhere Near the End

    Today’s the day. September 21, 2011. On my 24th birthday, 12/21/09, I resolved to evolve. Prompted by my miserable third attempt at college, I decided that I was wasting time and money in school while I was self-destructive and -sabotaging. I wanted to change my life, expand my mind, release myself from years of shame that held me captive and invite more people into my world. I had a list of things I wanted to achieve, creating a purpose and structure for the next year and a half of my life. I’m not sure that I actually believed I would complete all of these tasks (I didn’t) but I thought, by the end, I would be proud of myself for wanting a better life and taking strides to realize my potential as a person (I am).

    Throughout the whole process, OCD, self-doubt, and isolation strangled my voice. All I wanted to do was write, but when fingers met keyboard or my pen was hovering over paper, I didn’t trust that anyone wanted to hear what I had to say or I was paranoid that I would monumentally regret putting something out into the world that I could never take back. I couldn’t post a spontaneous status update, e-mails warranted hours of editing and compulsive checking after sending, and very often, text messages had to be drafted in Word before I typed them on my phone. In general, it was very hard to be visible. 

    It’s getting better.

    I would like to write more about this whole process, but for now I would just like to put these paragraphs out into the ether before I decide to delete this whole thing.  

    September 22nd isn’t the day I abandon this project. It’s just another opportunity to be seen and heard, try new things, take risks, and make more connections with myself and people I care about.

    So much more to come!

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3/23
2011

  • Catching up on some Rachel Maddow. I’m impressed by her ability to say “spent fuel pools” over and over. Like, 43 times.* That would trip me up at least once, but she’s doing pretty well with it. What is she, a professional broadcaster or something?

    But I win at raising one eyebrow. Take that, Maddow. You’re not so great. Yes you are…

    *That’s an estimate. My OCD makes me want to go back and actually count how many times she said it in the last few episodes. That sounds like a monumental waste of time and energy, but now that I’ve typed it… It kills me not to know the exact number. But I’ll try to move on. 

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2/28
2011

  • Another Conversation With A Child That Could Have Thrown Me Into A Hate Spiral, But Didn't:

    • Sidenote: 30 seconds earlier, this kid sneezed and a thick rope of yellow snot stretched from his nose to the fly of his jeans. Again. So I already want to be anywhere but here. (I would later find myself chipping away some of his... material from my coat. Fucking outdoor recess.)
    • Kid: Woah, Ms. Rebecca! You have such hairy arms!
    • Me: Yeah, I know. It's ok, though. What did we learn about mammals?
    • Kid: But I don't have any hair...
    • Me: It happens when you get older.
    • Kid: So, are you older than my dad? Because he doesn't have that much hair.
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2/24
2011

  • Today's Conversation That Could Have Thrown Me Into A Hate Spiral, But Didn't:

    • Kid: Hey, Rebecca. Do you know which Mario character you remind me of? [Moderately attractive guy at the next table smiles and glances over.]
    • Me: Nope, who? That peach one?
    • Kid: No, there's this fat dog that walks around on his hind legs. I don't know his name, and he doesn't do much. But he's really fat. Not that you're fat. But he's really fat. You just have something in common...
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2/22
2011

  • Watched Intervention last night. Cried through the brother and sister reunion in Megan’s story and I thought that MaryAnne’s 12 year old son Jackson was the shit. So smart, confident and sweet, but his silver nail polish really put him over the edge. 

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2/20
2011

  • I feel like this. I hope Michael Showalter comes back to the theater some day so he can sign something that I’ll use as a bookmark in his new book. It only took me 2 months to use this giftcard, you guys! That’s not so bad… It usually takes me over a year to spend free money. It’s hard to commit when you never think you are making the right decision. 

    This has been my 100th post.

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